Professor Smith sat proudly behind his desk, head up and features stern while the students came rolling in. His composure discouraged any brave student or sycophant from approaching with before-class introductions. An apple for the teacher was frowned upon in the professor's class.
It was the first day of the semester and Professor Smith promptly began his orientation. The students grabbed their aphabetically-arranged seating, and with pen and paper in hand, waited to hear what he had to say.
"I encourage you to review your schedule," he said. "This is Introduction to Philosophy."
The students, most of whom were freshmen and sophomores, scampered through their paperwork seeking their class schedules. Inevitably, two of them proceeded toward the door.
"Now I assume the rest of you are in the proper place," the professor continued. "I am passing out a syllabus, which you will be graded upon." He stepped across the room, stopping long enough in front of each row of desks to count exactly how many copies he needed. He wore an old suit that was too short around the ankles, allowing everyone to view his solid black socks. He also wore an old vest without a tie, and the collar of his white shirt was stained with sweat. It appeared that he never attempted to hide this most unfashionable style.
Professor Smith's bushy mustache hid any hint of an upper lip. It had brought him much ridicule over the years...behind his back, of course. He had a widow's peak which was easy to detect since his hair was combed straight back, kept in place by far too much gel. He seemed to be nostaglic for a time gone by.
It was impossible to know when he smiled. He'd frowned so much during his cloistered life that the muscles used to laugh were like vestiges. His forehead was prematurely wrinkled, due to the tightening of his face every time he got stressed.
"This thing is fifty pages long," Billy said to Karen, sitting directly behind him.
"As you can see, written not only on the syllabus, but also on the board behind me, my name is Professor Smith. That is how I expect to be adressed. I also have great hearing, and yes, this is a long syllabus. We meet twice a week, Tuesday and Thursday, and I expect each of you to be here everyday...and on time. If you miss a day, or if you know you will miss a day, I expect a one-page typed explanation, and if I don't like your explanation, you will lose a grade. So, if you miss one unexpected day, but make straight A's on every test and weekly assignments, then the best you can expect from me is a B, or C if you miss two unexcused days. My policy is straightforward, and you know what to expect beforehand. Now look on page two of the syllabus."
Everyone was able to make this simple turn of one page, but like most scenarios, there was always a few who made the simple difficult. Finally, everyone was on the same page, after twice the length of time it should have taken and several questions of "Did you say page two?"
Little things like that drove Professor Smith crazy. I said page two! he thought. Simply turn the fucking page! He had thoughts like this all of the time; they'd started early in his life and became worse with age. "As you can see, today we are having what I like to refer to as a pre-test. So take out a number two pencil and clear your desk. I will distribute the test now."
Moans were heard throughout the room as the professor spoke. He moved to his desk, picked up a stack of papers lying neatly beside several other stacks, and proceeded to distribute the pre-test. He paused occasionally in front of a row of desks, counting twice the number of tests so as to not pass out too many. "If you knew how upset it makes me to hear young adults moan like children...." He stopped before he let something out that he'd might wish he hadn't expressed. "This is a college course consisting of men and women, and I expect you to act accordingly."
Professor Smith then stepped to the front of the room. "This pre-test will allow me to measure your progress in this course, as well as indicate whether I'm doing my job. I expect, based upon past statistical measurements, that approximately thirty to forty percent of you will not be here when this semester is over. Therefore, tests such as this will allow me to hint subtly to those of you who should not be here, to leave. I don't intentionally plan to hurt any feelings, but my job is to prepare you for the world after college, and pussyfooting around is not what's expected of me...it's not my style. Remember what Nietzsche said...and you will need to know this later in the semester: 'That which does not kill, makes you stronger.' Simply follow the directions. You will have exactly forty-five minutes. No more, no less. If you finish before the time is up, turn in the test and return to your seat quietly. You may begin."
And so they did, many students looking myopically across the room, still wondering if they would be one of the thirty to forty percent who would not be around at the end of the semester.
The class had exactly thirty students, a majority being male. It was definitely a room full of individuals who were never in doubt as to where their next meal would come from. This observation was never lost on Professor Smith. It gets worse every year. Silver spoons! They all have silver spoons lodged up their asses. "Mr. Zimmerman!" he yelled at a gentleman sitting in a far corner of the room. "This is a pre-test, and I must assume you are not cheating. But let me clarify right here and now...if I ever catch anyone cheating in my class, I will personally escort him out of this room. Do I make myself clear?"
A few "Yes, sirs" could be heard and many heads nodded. All eyes became fixed on the test directly in front of them.
And what a test is must have seemed, especially to those young freshmen. A glance at the first section was enough to let anyone know that this would be a long class.
Section 1: Define the following terms and associate at least one individual with each term.
1. Metaphysics
2. Existentialism
3. Cosmological
4. Ontological
5. Utilitarianism
6. Instrumentalism
7. a priori
8. Phenomenalism
And so it went, until the very end where Professor Smith asked each student to give their personal view on life, something he always enjoyed reading late at night in the privacy of his own home. He allowed himself so few enjoyments in life.
Everyone completed the test except Larry, who gave up afer a short period of time. He wadded up the paper and threw it in the trash on his way out. In a split second Larry witnessed an almost evil side to the professor, a smirk that he knew was meant for him.
"I like to pride myself on being good in physiognomy," Professor Smith said as the first test was handed in. "I noticed many sad and upset faces during this first class of the semester. Perhaps I should explain that I'm not what you might call an optimist. If you're looking for reason, then don't waste my time...I don't care. Perhaps our paths will never cross again, but while you're in my class, I expect you to keep in mind that I'm in charge. If you feel you're suffering, then you must learn to adapt. I suffer every day but you don't hear me belly-aching to whoever will listen."
"But what about pleasure and happiness?" Judy asked. She was a clean-faced cheerleader and last year's runner-up for Most Beautiful Goddess, a contest held by a local fraternity.
"Miss Hope, if you're going to take this course lightly, I suggest you find a better place to display your entertaining talents."
A nervous grin crossed Judy's face as she played off her embarrassment in front of her friends. She liked to brag about her friends; they were intelligent people who would one day be rich and famous.
"Would you care to add anything, Miss Hope?" the professor asked with the same smirk he'd given Larry. "Or may I finish?"
Judy simply shook her head. Professor Smith turned to face the chalkboard, and Judy gave her friend, Nancy, a "Can you believe this guy?" type of look. She'd learned her lesson that day, and promised herself to never again offer her opinion during class. She'd become a victim of groupthink.
"And for those non-atheists in the classroom," the professor said, scratching his poor excuse for handwriting on the board. "Don't waste my time making this class into your own personal crusade. You're not going to convert me. It's been tried numerous times by better people than you...so don't even try. We will touch on issues dealing with religion during this semester, and if for some reason you feel compelled to corrupt me, get the idea out of your heads right not."
Had the professor taken the time to turn around, he would have witnessed a comical orchestra of students with their mouths open, looking at one another as if to say: "Can you believe he just said that?"
"Excuse me, sir," Peter said. "Must you be so up front with your personal views and lack of faith?" Peter was to be the class's moral conscience. He had a quick wit for someone his age, and knew how to use it.
"So tell me, Mr. Donavich. Why should I placate you and your wants and needs?"
"I'm entering theology school," Peter said with a smile. "My father is a local minister, and I have aspirations to follow in his footsteps."
Another theologian. Your father must have done his job well, you little fart. Started his brainwashing while you were a baby.
"Faith can't be based upon scientific evidence," Peter continued. "Paul asks, 'What is faith? It is the confident assurance that something we want is going to happen. It is the certainty that what we hope for is waiting for us, even though we cannot see it up ahead. By believing in God, we know that the world and the stars...in fact all things were made at God's command, and they were all made from things that can't be seen.'"
"Well, Mr. Donavich. I'm very aware of Hebrews Chapter 11. It was forced upon me as a child. I'm also aware that in the same chapter it says, 'But others trusted God and were beaten to death, preferring to die rather than turn from God and be free, trusting that they would rise to a better life afterward. And these men of faith, though they trusted God and won his approval, none fo them received all that God had promised them, for God wanted them to wait and share the even better rewards that were prepared for us.' So I'm to wait, Mr. Donavich, and trust what might be false prophets? This is a philosophy class. Anything goes, and if you feel uncomfortable, then you are free to drop this course."
"May I ask a question, sir?" Peter responded with the look of a obedient dog.
"I encourage questions, Mr. Donavich. After all, it was answers to questions which brought us here today, right?"
"I suppose so. I'm not sure why you're motivated in sharing your atheistic views, but I hope you share equal time with other views on the subject. It could be possible that God has a plan."
"And so you hope, Mr. Donavich. Everyone hopes or wants. Are they satisified? I don't think so. 'Give them an inch and they take a mile'...isn't that the saying, Mr. Donavich? You will find in your assigned readings, located in the syllabus, recommendations that include this happy view of life. That is...if you don't sin. Isn't that right, Mr. Donavich? If we don't sin and believe in Jesus Christ as our savior, then we go to Heaven. Are we to believe that newborns inherit original sin? What of eternal Hell? Are we to trust Augustine's and Jerome's views? Why them and not Origen or John Scotus Erigena? Who's right between these men, all living over a thousand years ago? What of this, Mr. Donavich?" And what about Judy? Do you think she comes from a poor or rich family? "We are told to beware of false prophets, are we not? How do we distinguish them if the prophets telling us to beware are not themselves false? If you were a false prophet, Mr. Donavich, would you not tell the people to beware of the other prophets, even accusing these other prophets of lying to people? Who are we to believe, Mr. Donavich? We will explore a more pragmatic purpose to the world's religions throughout this course. I will not count it against you for revealing your beliefs in regard to these issues, but I will expect you to establish why you believe...philosophically, of course. Does this answer your question, Mr. Donavich?"
"Yes, sir," Peter said with a 'whatever' attitude.
Such was the attitude of most students in Professor Smith's class. The economy was strong and everyone had jobs. Parents told themselves as they grew up that they would provide for their children better than their parents had provided for them. This was something the professor despised. "Spare the rod, spoil the child," he told anyone who would listen.
Professor Smith was "stuck", as he called it, in a materialistic world. He was stuck teaching the meaning of life to rich, snotty-nosed kids, something their parents could never do.
Go to Part Two
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